Couple Time Keeping the Love Alive

I was excited about the opportunity to write a “juicy” article on tips to keep our love relationships nourished just in time for Valentine’s Day.  Wonderful, romantic date ideas sprung to mind and I even fantasized about testing some new “spark the lovin’ fun” as “research.”  Soon, however, I realized it was more appropriate to call on my experience of conducting therapy with couples and share a trade secret.  Therefore this is a less “juicy” but more effective alternative that can help keep the love very alive and well in our primary love relationships.

If there is one book that is a must read for EVERY couple that cuts to the quick of what fuels effective relationships, I would recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Every couple I have worked with, whether they were together for 5 months or 50 years, experienced major “aha” moments when they read this book and were better able to understand the dynamics of their relationship.  Chapman describes why it is necessary to continue fueling our relationships with love for each partner to feel respected and the relationship to be nourished.  The five love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service.  While you may think you automatically know what your love language is, the insight you gain from reading this book may prove otherwise. 

Chapman’s premise is that our partner needs to understand what their and their partner’s love language is and be able to speak it.  Say that one partner’s (A) love language is physical touch: they feel most loved during physical intimacy and the other partner’s (B) love language is gifts.  We tend to speak our own love language (after all, this is what makes me feel loved so isn’t it what makes EVERYONE feel loved?) — so partner A is frequently trying to initiate intimacy which is rarely accepted or initiated by Partner B.  Partner A’s love need is not being fulfilled and this is becoming an area of conflict in the relationship.  Partner B, on the other hand, buys A gifts to show love (which mean nothing other than, “great I got another gift” to partner A) and also mourns the fact that A doesn’t show love by buying gifts in return ... and the cycle continues. B doesn’t feel loved, and is therefore not frequently in the mood to be physically intimate, which makes A feel not loved. And guess what? Partner A doesn’t even have a clue that partner B’s love language is gifts.

So, my Valentine’s Day gift to you is to encourage you to buy two copies of the book (one for A and one for B).  Read, highlight, but most importantly, discuss.  Once you figure out your individual love languages, the razzle-dazzle romance will follow! 

Becky Aud-Jennison, MA, LCPC, has provided psychotherapy and counseling to children, families and individuals for more than 10 years and worked with children and families for the past 25 years. Becky can be reached at becky@lifejourneycoaches.com. Visit her website at www.lifejourneycoaches.com. 

Talking to Your Kids About Sexual Assault

Question: I have a 2-year-old in daycare and with all the news about teachers and other "trusted" people committing sexual abuse, I worry excessively about her well-being when she is away from me.  What can I do?

Answer: Actually I used to educate little ones and their families about personal safety for RICS (formerly Rape Information and Counseling Services) when St. Johns had their KidSafe program.
 

It may not be comforting, but statistically our children are at much greater risk from people they actually are acquainted with and family members than stranger assaults.  It is important for parents to be vigilant.

I believe we have to be very careful not to produce excessive anxiety in our children.  We want them to feel like their environment is safe and secure, and their parents will be there to take care of them.  With that said, it is best to teach them (in a matter-of-fact manner) these tools if any one approaches them in a way that gives them an "uh-oh feeling'' or that sense that something just doesn't feel right, even if we don't know exactly what.

• Say no!

• Run away.

• Tell someone (i.e. a parent or trustworthy adult).

I agree with discussing this with school and other ADULTS in the environments the children are in if it will bring some peace of mind.  Parents should also trust their own "uh-oh" feelings about people or share if they know some valid information that might be concerning.

The thought of our children being harmed in any way is extremely unpleasant. Anxiety is very common and if a parent has a predisposition to it, this area in itself can play havoc with their psyche. I think with a 2-year-old in day care, and if it is an area that is of continual concern for the parent, it would be good to be very honest with the director about your concerns.  Additional reassurance from the day care director about their safety practices may help to alleviate some of the worry.

Consider these resources: The books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)  by Gavin De Becker validate how important it is for us to trust our gut instinct "uh-oh feelings."  Also, remember that citizens can access the Registered Sexual Offender List through the Illinois State Police website:  www.isp.state.il.us/sor/.

Becky Aud-Jennison, MA, LCPC, has provided psychotherapy and counseling to children, families and individuals for more than 10 years and worked with children and families for the past 25 years. Becky can be reached at becky@lifejourneycoaches.com. Visit her website at www.lifejourneycoaches.com.

The Value of Diversity

The holidays are fast approaching.  Not only are the holidays a time for celebrating our cultural and religious rituals, but they also provide an opportunity to practice mindful acceptance of others – a core value that can give all of us more peace during this season.  Here are some suggestions for this holiday season:

Preschoolers:  Consider what kind of holiday rituals you want your children to grow up experiencing. This is important dialogue to have with your partner; some people and their families of origin have strong feelings about how and which holidays should be observed. Be proactive and try to agree on a plan ahead of time to minimize conflict around the holidays.  While you are at it, it’s important to establish your new family’s own holiday rituals. Reasonable extended family members will respect you wanting to give your children the gift of their very own memories.

School age children: At this time of year, take the opportunity to educate your children about other people’s unique perspectives. It is our responsibility as parents to remind our children that we are all different and to better understand and accept why their classmates may not observe the same holidays they do. 

If your child is in the minority in reference to their holiday observances, encourage them to be proud.  Talk to the teacher and see if he/she would be interested in your child bringing in information or examples of your holiday/cultural practices. Our children need to constantly be reminded to respect others and if they see someone who appears left out to compassionately reach out to their peers.

More recently, in our Christian dominated society, it is sometimes seen as controversial that non-parochial schools typically focus on “winter holidays” vs. specific Christmas celebrations.  Those teachers that go the extra mile and educate their students about different cultures and religions’ holidays from an educational perspective do their students a great service in helping them better understand their ever-diversifying world.  But ultimately whose responsibility is it to give our children that education?  We, the parents hold that responsibility. The Internet is a great resource for those quick questions or explanations, but there are opportunities in Springfield to increase our awareness of different celebrations. Watch the newspaper and consider taking your children on “field trips” to learn about how other religions and cultures celebrate holidays.

Divorced or Blended Families: Your children may quite suddenly be in the position to celebrate holidays multiple times in multiple ways with multiple people.  The only experience you have control of is the celebrations you have with your children when they are with you. Be understanding that although you may not totally agree with how your ex handles the holidays, there is a reason you divorced: you probably didn’t agree on many issues. Be respectful of the experience they have with their other family and NEVER “bad mouth” them or their experience just because it’s different than you would choose. If your ex’s family is of a different culture or religion, see this as an opportunity for them to continue learning about and understanding that part of their identity. 

Most importantly, establish some new rituals for your children when they are with you; rituals make long-term memories. It’s amazing how children of all ages will hold on to the simplest practice when it is predictably repeated.

Rituals are important for all children. This year, consider establishing one that breaks all cultural and religious barriers and is a common theme throughout them all:  giving back.  Consider nursing home visits, adopting families to buy gifts for, collecting for the local food back, crisis nursery or other social service agencies.  Springfield holds unlimited opportunities to give back. Ten years from now what will your child remember more—every package they opened or the squeeze of their hand from an elder who hasn’t seen a child in months or the experience of picking out gifts as a family for a family that would otherwise have none? 

Teach your children the joy of giving back: it will be the gift of a lifetime.

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The school year has begun. Here are a few of the main issues I see parents having concerns about during the school year:

The Well Rested Child: This usually flies under the radar screen but is frequently the cause for many a concern: Parents cannot underestimate the power of sufficient, quality sleep; every child is unique in their need. If your child is getting enough sleep they should be waking up easily in the morning with a pleasant-enough disposition.

I highly recommend the book "Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" by Dr. Marc Weisbluth. I have counseled many children because the school thought there were possible ADHD issues and they were simply sleep deprived; that can include the kindergartner who is going to bed at 8:00 p.m. and who really needs to be in bed by 7:00.

If your child doesn’t awaken easily and refreshed in the morning, start by cutting bedtime back by half hour increments for a week at a time until they do. Parents can be guilty of wanting to keep their children up a little later to spend time with their children and also fall prey to the pressure of evening activities, frequently hauling all the children around and putting to bed later than is optimal. Look at the big picture and understand that adequate rest is an essential ingredient for a happy, healthy family. Respecting bedtimes should be the priority when scheduling.

Separation from parents: This can happen at any age but is typically seen in the elementary years. If your child is having major separation issues I encourage you to look at your family’s health history. Is there any history of anxiety within the family system? Sometimes it is difficult to tell as anxiety can be easily internalized and hidden from others. Do you remember relatives being worriers, having panic attacks, victims of extreme fear? Also alcohol and substance abuse might have been "treating" anxiety. Any child unable to separate is having an anxiety response.

These children have a bit more of a predisposition to anxiety than their peers that might be experiencing similar stressors but haven’t had such an extreme response. Also, there might be rampant stressors, other than going back to school, that can further encourage such an anxious response.

The good news is that there are symptom control techniques that can be taught to children at an early age that will reduce their internal anxiety level and arm them with wonderful preventative tools for the future. Obviously see if your child can identify why they don’t want to go to school, but remember that unfortunately in the age group where this anxiety is most common, children may not be able to articulate where their anxiety is stemming from and that can further frustrate them. (That being said I’ve seen a fair amount of teenagers with separation anxiety—and each time they were in need of intervention to break this cycle.)

Remember to communicate in positive ways—"I know you are old enough and ready to be at school and learn all day and that makes me very proud of you." "I know you will do great at school today." Dropping your child off and picking them up during a particularly difficult period is okay and can provide security if they see you talking with their teacher—it may provide a visual extension of home to school for them. Don’t drag out goodbyes and send them off with love and your confidence that they will manage.

Separation issues can be very individualized and complex. Please feel free to contact me if you have further questions.

Bullies are an age-old concern. Our responsibility as parents begins at home. Teach your children that it is unacceptable to put others down for any reason with an accent on "just because they are different." This is your opportunity to cover the "isms" with your child and explain how racism, sexism and bias over religious differences, differing abilities and appearances are inappropriate. Also teach your children that "bullies" are simply acting out their unhappiness on others. They might be victimized by someone bigger and stronger than them in their life, and they engage in bullying to make themselves feel more secure. It is amazing how teaching your child to look at bullies in a compassionate and understanding way can deflate the bully’s power.

Understanding is one thing and protecting is another. Bullying is an area that is not to be tolerated, and our schools are taking the issue very seriously. Children should be encouraged to talk to you about it and to report it to their school authorities. Parents, don’t hesitate to advocate for your child. The word tattling and its negative connotations always surfaces during this discussion. Children must be encouraged to share their emotional and physical safety concerns.

Transitions to and from school can be difficult for children and structure needs to be in place for this time to be utilized in the most helpful way. A check off or reminder list for evening, morning, and after school can be helpful for your child.

Have an after school routine. Children learn to prioritize well when expected to complete their homework as soon as they get home. They are then in control of the relaxed feeling they have when they know they have a job well done out of the way. Children deserve recognition for consistent practice as they are laying a great foundation for their future work ethic. Lay out things for school the next day. Make sure all assignments are complete and put in book bags the night before with book bags by the door or in the car. Have a consistent morning routine.

Have a back up plan in place for those children that might arrive with no one home to greet them. Where is the key? What neighbors are home and agree to serve as a back-up? Leave the check-in telephone number for them and have them call when they get in; ask how their day went and reassure them you’ll be home soon. Have a safety box full of storm necessities and explain how to use it. I’m seeing lots of anxiety about our storms this year and if the kids know what the plan is in case of a storm that will ease any overall anxiety.

Remember that CHANGE = STRESS at any age; being mindful of that fact is half the cure. Consistency, predictability, positive messages and the success that follows will ease transition times for our children. Normalize bumps; they are sure to happen. Minimize the negative and accentuate the positive: a simple technique that works for them . . . and us.

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Are you remembering the days when structuring the summer for your child was a matter of searching the day camp resources available (pre-Springfield Mom’s for some of us)?

Suddenly when your child hits junior high the resources to keep your new teen content, inspired and safe during the summertime seem to dry up. The ages of 12-15 present the greatest summertime challenge when adolescents are too young to drive and get gainful employment and too old for summer camps.

While our teens are excited about the lack of structure, new found freedom, lack of pressure and supervision, parents frequently begin to hyperventilate as they imagine driving off to work and leaving their sleeping teen(s) alone to navigate the day. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind this summer for those challenging situations:

Summer vacation or break is the operative word and your teen may not hesitate to remind you that they are on vacation. Keep in mind that having some down time is healthy at this age as long as they are maintaining safe, responsible and healthy practice.

Don’t succumb to giving your teen a set curfew during the summer (or school year for that matter). Research says that teens are more likely to engage in risky behavior in the last 2 hours before their curfew ends. Why? They don’t have anything planned and may make inappropriate choices that fall under the column labeled "something to do." Base their time to come home on the activity they are engaging in.

Limit cell phone and computer usage. Teens have been known talk and text mail into the wee hours—especially when they can declare, "but mom/dad, there’s no school tomorrow." Have a "turn in" and "shut down" time for cell phones and computers that doesn’t seem un-vacation like, but also doesn’t keep them up until 5:00 a.m.

Can they make some money by doing some special jobs around the house? Make a list with the amount you are willing to pay for a job well done and the timeframe that you would like to see it in.

Leave a list of basic responsibilities you expect them to meet each day such as doing some laundry or vacuuming a room.

Encourage them to plan some "fun" the night before so you can be in on the plans, not have your work day disrupted (or have to disrupt another parent’s) and help them with transportation arrangements.

Other day modes? Volunteering at their favorite summer camp, visiting nursing homes, babysitting, pet sitting, offering to help the elderly neighbors, summer school, visits with long distance relatives, Springfield beach, the library, reading, writing and other creative endeavors. The Springfield Art Association and Lincoln Land Community College have some options for those wanting to express themselves artistically.

Better yet? Have your teen sit down with you and make a comprehensive list of activities and a week-to-week schedule of how to spend their days. And don’t forget to have fun with your summertime teen whenever you can!

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A: Such a simple question can have many layers.  Foremost, do the health and safety (including emotional health) benefits of using a child harness outweigh the risks of not using a child harness in this situation?  This answer will be different for every family concerning each individual adult and child involved.

A few questions to ask yourself:  If grandma's abilities are compromised-- is it safe for her AND the child to have her in situations where she is in charge?  Is grandma able to use this tool in a positive way that doesn't call negative attention to the child so that his self-esteem isn't negatively affected in the process? Are there other distractions that make supervising the 3 year old difficult (i.e. other children, etc.)?

Safety is foremost and if a child is sooooo active that a tool such as a harness may be the difference between him standing out a bit and being hit by a car, then the answer is obvious.  If it's merely a convenience tool and takes away from the normal interaction and supervision that goes with being with a three year old AND to the outside world it would look like a tool of neglect, then it is probably not the healthiest choice for him.

As a general rule, if child harnesses are used appropriately a child wearing one does not stand out, is not pulling to get away, (unless there may be some special needs involved) and normal adult child interaction is happening; the harness is a safety net.

A child harness would not be my choice for the first line of defense but in circumstances where safety issues are involved I would have absolutely no negative judgment if it is used effectively and the child is suffering no ill effects.   

We have nine children ranging from 18yrs. to 22 months and live on a body of water.  Safety will be a huge issue for us for the next couple years.  I'll do everything possible to keep the 2yr. old safe this summer.  A harness isn't on the shopping list yet, but who knows?  :-)

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A: There are several questions that would need to be answered before I would know the definitive direction to go but here are some preliminary suggestions:

At this age the primary reason for behavior problems is sleep deprivation.  If your five year old is going to bed after 8 pm, move the bedtime to a half hour earlier until you see a more peaceful disposition.  If he goes to bed before 8 pm but does not wake up easily and cheerfully, move the bedtime earlier in half hour increments until you see positive changes.  Rested children are easily aroused in the morning and have a pleasant disposition.  Sleep deprivation can mimic attention and behavioral issues at this age.

At five years of age the school behavioral issues need to be addressed at school.  Every time he is sent home he is being shown that the school does not feel able to address his behavior; this gives a five year old too much power.  Unfortunately, this may not be a behavioral deterrent for many children and the wrong message is sent.  Get the school social worker or counselor on board-- hopefully they are already if the school has intervened repeatedly.  Ask the counselor or social worker to conduct a few classroom observations and give you feedback.  

Teachers, school administration and parents should all have the common goal of having this first school experience being as positive as possible as it will set the stage for your childs’ feelings about school.  A child that has had more than the random behavioral concern deserves to have a team of concerned and caring adults (involving parents) meeting on their behalf to explore the causes, and possible solutions, so that he may have a successful school experience. 

Outside of school, parents and the other adults in your child�s life need to be practicing consistency with some of the same expectations the school has-- respect to adults, following instructions, playing appropriately with others, taking turns, sitting appropriately at dinner time, etc.  Try to make a little extra "special" time with this child nightly and on the weekends.   A good time to implement some extra attention would be during that earlier bedtime ritual so that sleep is something to look forward to. Never remove that time as punishment-- reading and snuggling should be unconditional.  That time can also be a great time to review the day, praising the positives and specifically pointing out what you�d like to see him work harder on tomorrow.

Of course, as with any issue with your child, if your intuition tells you there is something that needs deeper exploration never hesitate to seek a professional opinion from a psychotherapist or counselor trained to work with children.  You may wish for them to do some classroom observations before they meet your child in their office so they can see their behavior at school.  Best of luck to you and your family.

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Teeth Grinding

When you look in on your sleeping child, you want to hear the sounds of sweet dreams: easy breathing and perhaps an occasional sigh. But some parents hear the harsher sounds of gnashing and grinding teeth called bruxism, which can be common in children.

A: The American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends that a child be seen by a dentist in the first few months of life, the earliest stages of infancy. This allows a dentist to check for dental anomalies, developmental problems, etc. The Academy also recommends 6-month evaluations thereafter.

My personal practice philosophy is adopted from the Academy’s guidelines, as well. When the pregnant mother presents for a dental checkup, it gives me the opportunity to discuss several important issues regarding her upcoming little miracle!

A:  YOU BET! Brushing begins at the first sign of a tooth and continues for the rest of his life. This is where good habits begin!

The average age that a tooth erupts is about 6 months old. However, this JUST an average. I have seen numerous children in my career without any teeth at their one-year visit. Your son however, is at the other end of the spectrum. If he is drooling heavily at 3 months of age, chances are he will be an early bird. Most often (again only an average), his first teeth that erupt will be his lower two front teeth (mandibular central incisors).

For comfort and pacification, keep several teething rings refrigerated and let him teeth on them as needed throughout the day. If it is a cool teether, it is very comforting for the infant. And of course, LOTS of bibs! Brushing at this age rests on the parent’s shoulders. There is a very specific toothbrush that I strongly recommend for all parents to use for their infant. It is an oval shaped brush, easy for the tiny fingers to hold, with soft bristles on one end and a teether at the other end. This style is important for several reasons. The oval shape prevents choking and pushing down the throat (as a straight brush would and is dangerous at infancy). He can use it as a teether, as well. He will most likely use both ends as he is cutting teeth. This allows him to get used to bristles in the mouth and it does effectively do some plaque removal.

Every school shall report to the State Board of Education with the number of children who have received the dental examination by June 30 of the school year.

In sum, this is a very "good thing". No child will be left behind!

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Q: A Parent Question from a local mom "What is a tongue scraper?"

A.  It is a known fact that millions of known bacteria live in our mouths. They actively multiply and excrete sulfur based compounds. These are called sulfides. These sulfides do not smell pleasant and sometimes called halitosis or "bad breath". The surface of the tongue, as well as surfaces of the teeth, are breeding grounds for these bacteria that generate sulfides and noxious gases.

If you are brushing and flossing regularly and visit your dental home on a regular basis, your teeth are going to remain clean and healthy for life. The only remaining area to add to your daily routine to keep your mouth at the optimum freshness, is to clean your tongue with a tongue cleaner or sometimes also called a tongue scraper.

The American Dental Association (ADA) News recently reported that halitosis experts agree that one of the main causes of bad breath is bacteria on the tongue. The bacteria collect on the ridges and valleys of the tongue. Besides just causing bad breath, dental research has proven these bacteria and plaque acids can build up in your arteries.

Your local dentist will supply you with all of the proper tools needed to help keep your mouth clean and healthy at every dental check up. i.e. a new toothbrush, floss, samples of ADA approved toothpaste and now, a tongue scraper and teach you how to properly use it.

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Q:  My 11-month-old daughter, aside from a few nights while on antibiotics, has yet to sleep through the night.  She has had chronic ear infections for the last six months and consequently had tubes put in her ears just this past Monday.  Our pediatrician was convinced she would not sleep either because of the infections themselves or the constant fluid in her ears.  As of yet, we have not seen any relief, in fact the non-sleeping has been worse this week.  In addition, her nose has been so congested over the last few weeks that she can hardly drink her bottle because she continually has to stop to breathe as she cannot breathe through her nose. 

Q. My children and I aren't eligible for the flu shot due to the shortage this year. Should I be worried?

Answered by Dr. Audrie Haag.  This is a great question that is on everyone's mind this winter. Most people have heard that there is a limited supply due to manufacturing problems and not everyone who wants the vaccine can get it. So what can you do? Well, children aged 6 -23 months are eligible, as are children who have chronic heart or lung conditions, or have a metabolic disease, kidney disease, or weakened immune systems, or who are on long term aspirin. Also, women who are pregnant during the flu season are eligible. But what about the rest of us?

There are ways to PREVENT the flu. These include:

1. Use a tissue and throw it out

2. Wash your hands OFTEN and/or use an alcohol based antibacterial product.

3. Stay away from others who are ill

4. Try to avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth.  If you get the flu, you can still get medication from your doctor to shorten the course of the illness, but you must start the medication within the first 48 hours of symptoms.

5. If you or your children get the flu, STAY HOME AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  Get someone to help with the kids, sleep, eat well and stay hydrated.

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Q:  My child got the flu shot this year but still got sick with the stomach flu and had vomiting and diarrhea for several days. Is it worth getting the shot again?